I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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