i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
