I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize