be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
OPIZZABONMYDICK
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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