totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
