you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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