Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
