If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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