matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
