The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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