Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize