We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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