When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
