is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
