Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
