Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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