I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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