Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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