It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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