Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize