Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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