can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
