drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
