Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
