Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I want her autograph on my taint
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
