did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Randomize
