At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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