good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize