i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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