We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
