If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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