if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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