Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
God I need to hump something, right now.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
