Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Randomize
