so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
