Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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