Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
