i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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