my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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