Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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