Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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