She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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