Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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