u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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