Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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