can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
