im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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