So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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