DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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