Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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