i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
