I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
