I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
ttyl tear gas
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
