Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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