As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
