Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
