When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
