I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
