Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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