I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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